Heart..., and why I never joined the Marine Corp

     Our son and youngest daughter are Marines. Anthony joined in 2002 and served two tours over in Iraq and has since separated from active duty in 2009. Our daughter, Frances, has been in since 2006, has married another Marine, is a new mom and is currently waiting out her final year-plus of her second enlistment.
      Anyone who has a child in the service, regardless of military branch, can relate to the incredible torment your heart experiences as you see your child leave. Similar to the point of death, "your life flashing before your eyes" analogy, you instantly experience memories from the day they were born, first time holding them, first time leaving them at day care/gram-ma's, etc., and you realize that since their first steps walking out of your arms, they'd been leaving you all along ! Friends, playground, school, driving, dating, all culminating to that very day they left with a stranger in military uniform.
      I have always admired the military, especially the Marine Corp. My oldest brother is a Marine and spent his overseas "vacation" in that lush tropical setting called Viet Nam.
      I like the idea of, "Once a Marine, always a Marine", and all those other catchy catch-phrases to get you motivated to sign up and "get some" !  I even wanted to become a Marine but not for any of the solid reasons I just mentioned.
      The late 70's I had graduated high school and found myself arguing with my dad a lot because I was basically not doing anything for my future, didn't want to, had no desire to and was failing school, junior college, and working menial jobs trying to figure myself out. Pressure.
      Finally, one particular argument had me at my wits (for what they were worth) end and I got in my car and drove away. As I drove around and stewed in my anger I realized that perhaps the only way to rid myself of all this strife was to head over to the enlistment office and sign up. That's usually the best time you want to make a life altering decision, when you're emotionally charged. Or drunk. Or both !
      So, I knew where to go and I told myself that I would sign up with the first branch representative who said hello to me. Back then, all 4 main military branches were in the same room and only had separate desks to tell them apart and I was ready to sign with the first one who could pull out paper work ! I parked, walked in and was greeted with 4 empty desks. Huh. Okay, I'll just read some literature while I wait and then the first guy in uniform who comes in I'm signing up with ! I don't know how long I waited but it seemed unreasonable and was only serving to make me angrier. So, I left. And, as I drove away, I realized that I couldn't go home and face my dad, after all the arguing we did about me getting a job and then I come home to say that I could even get into the military !  No, I wasn't going to give him that satisfaction. Or laugh. So I instead drove around the state for a couple of days. I'm sure I taught him a lesson because he didn't talk to me for quite a while after I got home. hmpf!
     We drove out to California for our son's graduation from boot camp and I still can't understand how that place did not explode from all the parents with their puffed up chests and reuniting going on. Then, not too shortly after we flew out to Parris Island, South Carolina for our daughters graduation and there was the same swollen pride and tears of reuniting. And on both occasions I recollect my wanting to be a part of something bigger than myself but how my emotions carried me in another direction.
     What I have come to realize is that it wasn't my emotions that changed my decision but sub-consciously I had yielded to a bigger factor. Something I had not realized until recently and wrestled with on a regular basis. No heart. I had no heart for the things I wanted, really wanted, because I didn't know what I really wanted !
      I had no heart ! Huevos ! Ganas ! Nerve !! A pair.
      I know now that I never would have had the heart to go through what they did. I didn't even have the heart to finish school so what makes me think otherwise ? And if I did sign up I probably would have cried my way out of boot camp and then who knows after that. I was scared and insecure and those were two issues the Marine Corp is expert on exposing and eliminating. I'm pretty sure I read that in one of their brochure's as I waited in that office that particular afternoon and I seem to recall seeing a photograph showing how they did it too!
      "When a man's an empty kettle, he should be on his mettle, and yet I'm torn apart. Just because I'm presumin that I could be kinda human, if I only had a heart" - Tin Man
       "Yeah it's sad believe me Missy when you're born to be a sissy without the vim and verve. But I could show my prowess, be a lion not a mou-ess, if I only had the nerve." - Lion
      Since then I have come to terms with the memory of that hated, insecure individual. In fact, I keep him pretty much bound and gagged in the deepest recesses of my memory only to have to deal with him in on the very rare occasion. The reset button to my thinking was pushed by my grandchildren. To them I am that hero I thought I could one day become and they alone have my heart as well as my desire to see them live to their fullest potential. Unafraid. Full of heart.
      Grampa loves you too much !